when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
