i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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