batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
