i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
