My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
