I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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