things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
PANTIES FOUND
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
