you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
