I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
