Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
