Got a toothbrush?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
