I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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