so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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