Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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