I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
