Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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