Do you still have your period?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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