you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
