I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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