I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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