I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
