Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
