Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
