im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
