I think my vagina is haunted
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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