you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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