I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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