im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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