I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
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