if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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