you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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