I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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