Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
