My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize