just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize