mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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