Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
