My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
