when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
your room smells of hookers.
And success
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
