i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize