Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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