My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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