I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
