It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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