i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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