I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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