Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
