my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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