You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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