I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
