So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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