yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
