She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
