My sheets look like a crime scene.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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