I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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